Out and About

The nurse called to see how Logan was doing and I told her that he's not himself.  He's just groggy and whiney and just wants to lay around.  She told me that we needed to make him get up.  So, what better way to get out of the house than with a walk?

The sun is shining here and it's a lovely day.  We didn't go too far and then I made up something about not feeling well so that Logan would agree to turn around.  Charlie does NOT like going off our route though!  We had to practically drag him back home.  It was a good thing we turned around when we did because Logan wanted to stop and take a rest and then had Zeb carry him part of the way.

Little by little he's getting there.  I hate seeing my boy at less than 100%, but I'm glad he seems to be getting better!

Recovery

2 months ago, Logan was supposed to have tubes put in his ears and his adenoids taken out.  He got sick the night before, so we had to delay it.  Friday was the day.  He did absolutely wonderful before the procedure, but after was rough.  He was very scared when he was coming to and he cried a lot.  Now that he's 4 1/2, he doesn't cry much, so that was hard.

We've taken it easy the past couple days and he's just not quite himself.  He talks different (I think his throat is sore) and he just kinda lays around.  There's been a couple times when he's had a burst of energy, but not for very long.  He doesn't eat much and he goes CRAZY when we have to put the ear drops in his ears.

I know that this will pass and he'll be fine soon, but it's so hard for us!  He won't tell us what is wrong, how he is feeling, etc.  I'm just happy the whole thing is over.  The doctor told us to keep him calm for the next week so that he doesn't break one of the scabs in his throat....ummm, keeping a four year old down isn't that easy!  We've pretty much let him play the iPad the past 48 hours!

I'm staying home with him tomorrow so that we can keep a good eye on him.  I love our days together, but I hate that this has to be the reason.

Show and Share

The past few months, Logan has been randomly mentioning "Show and Share" (it used to be "Show and Tell" when I was in school!), and we kept wondering if they actually did it in his class.  He's at the age where you can ask him questions and get pretty accurate answers, so our hearts were broken when we asked, "What if you don't bring something for Show and Share?" and he responded that you "pick something from the classroom."  I just imagined him being the only little one there with nothing from home.  And everyone was probably thinking, "Poor Logan, he doesn't have any toys!"  or worse yet, "Poor Logan, he doesn't have a mommy and daddy that are smart enough to get it together and send in something for him to show and share."

Either way, tomorrow, it will be right with the world because he is taking his first item for Show and Share.  He's been SO excited about it since I asked the teacher yesterday and she told me that Wednesday is the day.  So, he's pick out no less than 10 different things to take.  And tonight, when Zeb interrupted Logan watching "Adventure Time" and said, "It's almost time for bed, pick something to take for Show and Share," Logan turned around and picked up the first thing he could find.  So, weird size/proportion Buzz Lightyear it is.  And it was ADORABLE when we asked him what he was going to say and our never-shy boy kinda got shy and whispered, "This is my Buzz Lightyear.  That's all."  Oh, how I wish I could be there tomorrow when he gets in front of his class for his first Show and Share!!!

Life with a Little Boy

When I dropped Logan off on Friday, his pants did NOT have a hole in them....when I picked him up, they looked like this:

Now that it's finally getting warmer (some days, at least), Logan (I first typed the word "love" instead of "Logan"...I think the two are synonymous in my mind!!) plays outside a lot.  He's old enough now where we can let him go outside by himself as long as we are not far.  Our lot has a fence and there's usually no one nearby, so I feel he's very safe.  But we are usually right there in the kitchen, sitting at the table watching him or we keep peeking out to make sure he's okay.  He LOVES digging in the dirt.  I think it's funny that I'm much more laid back about it than his daddy is...I'll hear Zeb say something silly like, "Don't get dirty!" and I just laugh.

I am SO thankful that God blessed us with a son.  Even though I mostly hear talk about farts and burps and boogers (tonight, he said his were cinnamon flavored!), he keeps us laughing.  We have so much fun.  Logan is a little show-off for us, too.  He loves to have our undivided attention, and I'll admit, for the most part, he gets it!

 And Logan has the sweetest heart.  I was sick on Tuesday and I had to stay home from work.  It was the first time that I'd been home sick and we didn't send him to daycare.  I knew that he'd be fine, and he was.  He mostly just sat on the bed with me and when he wanted something to eat or drink, he'd get up and get it himself.  He watched tv and played games the entire day.  That evening, after Zeb was home, Logan came back and said, "Mom, do you need anything?"  Seriously.  Adorable.

 I just know that one day, God is going to use Logan's heart for something amazing in His Church.  I cannot wait to see what Logan can accomplish for the Lord with his sweet spirit.

For now, we're happy to let him be a little boy and dig in the dirt and play outside.  We are SO looking forward to summer.  But I'll admit, every evening when we turn in for the night, I'm a little sad that another day is over.  I am so happy that he's growing and healthy, but with each day that passes, I know that he's getting one day older and one day closer to being grown-up.  I LOVE having a little boy in our home :)

Conversations

Logan:  Who is having a wedding?
Me:  Aunt Michelle
Logan:  Yeah, I don't want to be the ringer for the wedding.
Me:  Why not? 
Logan:  Why did she want me to be the ringer?
Me:  She wanted the cutest boy in all the world, so that's why you have to do it.
Logan:  Well, I think she should pick another cute boy.
Me:  You'll be fine!  And everyone wants to see you!
Logan:  I can't do it.  I have the cough-es.
Me:  Oh really?  Well, how about if we wait until it gets closer to wedding time and we'll see how you're feeling then.
Logan:  But what if I drop them?
Me:  That's okay!  If you drop them, just pick them up.  It will be fine.
Logan:  I don't want to be the ringer.
Me:  Well, you'll get to be on stage.
...at that point, I think I started to convince him because he loves being on stage!


Logan:  Was I in your belly?
Me:  No, remember, you were in Miss A's belly.
Logan:  Why was I in Miss Mae's belly?
Me:  Because she was your first mom and then she gave you to me.
Logan:  But I want to be in your belly.  That's the safest place for a baby to be.

So that day, I just let him believe he was in my belly.  I tried to tell him, but he felt like it was the safest place to be -- my belly -- so, I let him feel safe.  Also, he has taken to calling her "Miss Mae" instead of "Miss A."  His birthmother's name is Amanda, but that's also my sister's name, so we didn't want him to be confused about who we were referring to, so that's why we started calling her Miss A.  Now, we call her Miss Mae.  Someday, we'll have to explain that all to her, if we ever get the chance to meet her!

Logan:  Was I the last baby that was left?
Me:  What do you mean?
Logan:  Did you want a baby and I was the last baby that was left and Grandpa Bill tried to take me and I said, "Waaahhhh.  I want my mommy." So you came and took me because you wanted a baby?
Me:  Yep.  That's exactly what happened. 

I have NO idea where Logan picked up this version of his adoption, or why he thinks that Grandpa Bill was trying to snatch him away from me :)  Sometimes, he will replace Grandpa Bill's name with "Aunt Amanda," and that story ends with Aunt Amanda choosing Olivia instead of Logan, and then I picked Logan. 

Me: (right after Logan hurt his foot and was on the verge of crying) Shake it off.  You'll be fine.
Logan:  (gritting his teeth) I don't think I can do that.....

Logan:  (pointing to a picture of me in my wedding dress) I know who that precious lady is!  (and then I died because I've never been so happy in all my life.)

Hello, New Month

I wish that I had a really good reason for my blog absence, but it's more like a combination of many reasons...in no particular order -- cold weather, sickness, lack of enthusiasm for anything, I got a new Kindle and I was obsessed with the show Parenthood and then Downton Abbey, a new piano student, new classes to teach, regular work, I had to go to court for work (I love my job!), stress over going to court for work -- Oh yeah, that pretty much sent me reeling for a good week, more sickness, we thought Logan was going to get tubes in his ears, but he got sick the night before his surgery (post-poned until April), trying to do our taxes, trying to keep everything in the house washed and cleaned from all the sickness.....I could go on and on.  It's nothing that's much fun, that's for sure (except for maybe the new Kindle!). 

Anywho, here we are, in March.  And as I sat down to write this and put my camera card into the card reader, I silently prayed that I would discover some awesome photos that had not been published.  Alas, it looks like my camera has been put away with my writing....but I did find a couple:

Okay, so the second one wasn't so great.  But those were the only two I had that were even remotely in focus. 

So, we are anxiously awaiting spring.  Seriously.  This time of year, it's just basically like, "Okay, how many days has it been without sun?  237?  Okay, it HAS to be getting close."  We know it's coming.  And with it, we will get out of the house and run and play and we couldn't be more excited. 

This is a sad post for me to write because my Grandmother had a friend who lived in Pennsylvania (sweet Velma), and she was like a second mom to my grandma.  She read my blog religiously.  She passed away last week.  And although I didn't know her well, I know that she loved keeping up with our family on our little blog.  So, it makes me sad to know that Velma won't be reading anymore.  I have a card that she sent to my parents when I was born -- how cool is that?!  Anyways, this is the first post that Velma won't read, and I know my Grandma will cry when she reads that :)  But I'm glad that this blog kept Velma up on our happenings and I'm glad that she was able to watch Logan grow.  I will miss the encouragement that she gave to my grandma, as I know Grandma will miss her terribly.  She would always tell grandma to tell me that she just LOVES my blog :) 

Thoughts on Waiting -- 3 years

This is going to sound super dramatic to some and probably not dramatic enough for others, but I believe that it's important for me to document what is going through my mind at this point in the adoption process.

Three years.  Honestly, I never thought we'd see this day come.  Three years ago, we submitted our paperwork (completed) for our second adoption.  Logan was just over a year old at the time.  I hoped and prayed that we would have babies close together in age.  I was SO ready to have another little one running around the house.

Three years. Today, our life looks much different than I imagined it would.  We are thriving, and I am IN LOVE with our life.  Just as it is.  PERFECT.  The three of us are so incredibly close.  We adore each other and love spending time with each other -- there's no place else we'd rather be!  We have fears of how a new baby would change what we currently have.

Don't get me wrong,  if we got a call today, we'd be over-the-moon.  We WANT a call today.

But there's something about waiting -- and I don't expect ANYONE to understand this but those of you who are currently waiting -- that makes us just feel OVER IT.  It's exhausting.  It's exhausting to live in a current state of "what-ifs" and always "today could be the day!" and then it's not.  And disappointment ensues pretty much every moment that you don't get the call.  And three years is a long time to hope like that.  Three years is a long time to have your heart drop every time your phone rings or every time you walk in the door and the message light is blinking.

So, we change our mind about this a million times a day, but our current feeling is that if we don't have a baby by the time our current home studies expire, we will throw in the towel (the end of this summer).  We will move on with our life.  There is happy and sad in that sentence.  Happy because we are so incredibly blessed to be parents and we couldn't be more in love with our precious little boy.  Sad because we DO love being parents so much and would love to do it again and again (I always thought I'd have 4 - 6 kids!).  Sad because Logan will never have a sibling.  Happy because Logan will get all of our attention forever (lucky him, right?!).  

But the fact of the matter is, you have to move on at some point, right?  I hate living in a state of discontentment, and I feel if our name is on a waiting list, we will always be waiting and it's hard to find contentment when you are waiting for something else.

This is NOT an easy discussion to have.  While we trust that God has the best plan for us, we don't understand why His plan doesn't involve more children for us.  It's not for us to understand.  It's for us to accept.  So, that's what we will do.  If the time comes when we will wait no longer, we will know that we did our part and we opened our hearts and God's answer was "no."  And sometimes, "no," is an okay answer.  I think of all the other times God has said "no" to me and in retrospect, I thank Him for every single "no."