Thoughts on Waiting -- 3 years

This is going to sound super dramatic to some and probably not dramatic enough for others, but I believe that it's important for me to document what is going through my mind at this point in the adoption process.

Three years.  Honestly, I never thought we'd see this day come.  Three years ago, we submitted our paperwork (completed) for our second adoption.  Logan was just over a year old at the time.  I hoped and prayed that we would have babies close together in age.  I was SO ready to have another little one running around the house.

Three years. Today, our life looks much different than I imagined it would.  We are thriving, and I am IN LOVE with our life.  Just as it is.  PERFECT.  The three of us are so incredibly close.  We adore each other and love spending time with each other -- there's no place else we'd rather be!  We have fears of how a new baby would change what we currently have.

Don't get me wrong,  if we got a call today, we'd be over-the-moon.  We WANT a call today.

But there's something about waiting -- and I don't expect ANYONE to understand this but those of you who are currently waiting -- that makes us just feel OVER IT.  It's exhausting.  It's exhausting to live in a current state of "what-ifs" and always "today could be the day!" and then it's not.  And disappointment ensues pretty much every moment that you don't get the call.  And three years is a long time to hope like that.  Three years is a long time to have your heart drop every time your phone rings or every time you walk in the door and the message light is blinking.

So, we change our mind about this a million times a day, but our current feeling is that if we don't have a baby by the time our current home studies expire, we will throw in the towel (the end of this summer).  We will move on with our life.  There is happy and sad in that sentence.  Happy because we are so incredibly blessed to be parents and we couldn't be more in love with our precious little boy.  Sad because we DO love being parents so much and would love to do it again and again (I always thought I'd have 4 - 6 kids!).  Sad because Logan will never have a sibling.  Happy because Logan will get all of our attention forever (lucky him, right?!).  

But the fact of the matter is, you have to move on at some point, right?  I hate living in a state of discontentment, and I feel if our name is on a waiting list, we will always be waiting and it's hard to find contentment when you are waiting for something else.

This is NOT an easy discussion to have.  While we trust that God has the best plan for us, we don't understand why His plan doesn't involve more children for us.  It's not for us to understand.  It's for us to accept.  So, that's what we will do.  If the time comes when we will wait no longer, we will know that we did our part and we opened our hearts and God's answer was "no."  And sometimes, "no," is an okay answer.  I think of all the other times God has said "no" to me and in retrospect, I thank Him for every single "no."