When God Says No

You don't hear about this much.  I think Christians don't like to talk about it because they feel that it will give God a bad reputation or something.  Sometimes, God says no.  And it hurts.

I very boldly prayed for a baby by Christmas this year.  It didn't happen.  I was sure that it would...I mean, we've been waiting almost 4 years.  What a great story it would have been to pray that God would bring us a baby and then HE DID.  Wow.  That would have been an amazing story, right?

God said no.  I don't pretend to understand.  I don't pretend that my heart isn't hurt.  BUT I do trust that God's ways are better than mine.  Period.  I don't have to understand and I don't need to question it.  I got an answer and it is no.

I don't know what the next year holds for us.  Zeb has been ready to throw in the towel on adoption #2 for quite some time, but I haven't been ready.  I think if we don't get a baby by the time our next homestudy expires that we will be done waiting and continue our life with just the three of us.  It's a very good life.  I LOVE being a mama so much that I want to multiply it, you know?  God has given me no greater gift than to be a mom.  It continuously forces me to evaluate myself and try to be a better version of myself.  Being a mom is the BEST!!

I'm going to pray that God will mold my heart.  That I will seek after what HE wants for me instead of what I want for myself.  Sometimes, when the answer is no, God directs us in another way in order to refine us for His glory.  It's not an easy lesson.  I'm not going to say I'm not hurt.  But glory be to God for His gifts to us -- even answers that are "no."

Our Day Off

I had scheduled to take today off work because Logan's class was doing gingerbread houses.  When I asked him if he would be okay without me there, he made it very clear that he wanted me to be there.

Unfortunately, there were slick roads this morning, so he didn't have school.  I'm guessing that they will do the houses tomorrow, but I have to work.  So, to make today special, we made cookies.

We have a "no touch" policy ever since cousin Natty's mishap with the mixer two years ago.  YIKES.  Even though Logan doesn't have long hair, it's best to just watch.

I did let him crack the egg.  Although, we didn't actually use the egg that he cracked.  Too many shell pieces.

Roll the dough.



He loved cutting out the shapes for one round.  I finished the rest on my own.


Even though I won't be able to make the gingerbread houses with him at school, I hope that he has some good memories of our time together today.  I know I will!



5 years in

This is a regular scene at our house...no pants.  Strange shirts/coats/tops that are too small.  Waffles on the couch.  You know.

I cannot believe that he's five.  Well, actually more than 5.  And five years into our relationship, I can confidently say that I really like him.  

I wonder if all parents feel the same way about their children.  I imagine they do, but I choose to believe that I love my kid the most.  More than you love your kid.  More than any parent has ever loved a child.  For sure.

What He's Like

This is Logan ready for "Nerd" Day at school!

I soak up the moments of being a mom.  I really try to, at least.  In my heart, I know that these days - when he's a little boy - will probably be the ones that I hold most closely to my heart.  I never want to forget what he's like right now.

Logan is the sweetest boy I have ever met.  He is so tender towards me.  He is eager to help out.  I love watching him with older people, the way he tries to help and wants to make sure everyone is okay.

Logan is the funniest boy...maybe person...I have ever met.  He is always willing to laugh at himself or make a joke to get others to laugh.  He doesn't take himself too seriously. 

The sweetness and the funny are great.  But there is just "something" about Logan that I can't articulate, but it's the best part of him.  For example, the other day, he went to a friend's house.  The night before, we were going over the rules of politeness, what to say, do, etc.  Then I said, "Do you have any questions?"  He said, "Yes.  What does a shrunken head really look like?" 

Randomly, he said to me the other evening, "Mom, I will never let anyone shoot you.  You are the most precious."  Then he took my hand and said, "Mom, would you like to marry me?"  He's always asking me to go on a "d-d-d-date" (not sure why he says it that way) or asking me to marry him. 

He is the most interesting person.  His perspective on the world is truly unique. 

I am SO thankful that God saw it fit for us to be Logan's parents.  Not only do I feel a wonderful responsibility to do that job well, but I truly, honestly, from the deepest part of me love that little boy.  Not only because he's my son but because I love him as a person.

Pumpkins

On Tuesday, I was able to go on Logan's field trip to the Pumpkin Patch!  It was such a cold day, but we had a wonderful time.  Logan got to ride the big bus to the patch.  I rode with the parents on the small bus.  He was sad that I couldn't ride with him, but he did okay.

 The first thing that they did was pick out a pumpkin.  Logan picked about 10 different ones.  He held on to this one, below, until he found a bigger one :)

 They had so many fun activities.  We were able to go at our own pace and do whatever we wanted, so that was nice.  The best part was that Logan's cousin, Natalie, and my sister, Amanda, were there, too, so we got to spend the day with them.  That was fun! Logan and Natalie love each other so much, so they had a blast together.  I did get lots of pictures of them together and some pictures of him with his class, but I don't like to put pictures on here without their parents' permission!

 Then last night, Zeb and Logan carved the pumpkin.  Logan was completely grossed out by the guts of the pumpkin.  He has big dreams of being a hunter some day, so we told him he'd better get used to gutting things.  It was funny to hear us saying, "Logan, don't be a girl!  Just reach in there and pull it out!" 

As you can see, it ended up being spooky.  It looks really good in the dark with the candle inside of it.  Logan is obsessed with Halloween.  He keeps talking about going Trick or Treating, so I think we're gonna have to do it.  I'm not a big fan of Halloween.  Figures that I would have a son who is obsessed with it!

Logan's 5th Birthday Party

Logan's 5th birthday party was so much fun!  He was set on having a Toy Story party (like his 3rd birthday), but at the last minute (after everything had been done, but the cake ordered), he decided that he wanted a Jack Skellington party.  So, we had both.

We rented a bounce house and it was SO MUCH FUN!!!!  Adults and children were able to enjoy.  And since there were only 4 children, it was nice that all of them played together and no one got hurt.  I don't see how I can ever throw a birthday party again without a bounce house.  Have I mentioned it was fun?!

Since Logan had so much fun doing the treasure hunts at Disney, I decided to do a little treasure hunt for his party.  It was a big hit! I hid clues throughout the house and outside that eventually led to a treasure box full of gifts for the kids. 

The clues were easy...for instance, the first one was something like, "You've found your first clue, for the next one, go to the room painted blue."  To accompany the clues, they were all given a map.  So, if they were confused about where the clue was, the map would help.  Not that any of them could read.  Well, the oldest one could, so the others just followed her around!

Second clue was "Next go to the room where we eat, you'll find the next clue right under your feet."

It was such a fun day celebrating Logan and the special gift that he is to our family.  (Note that he is wearing his batman cape for the treasure hunt.)  Words cannot express how much joy he brings into our life, so it is our pleasure to celebrate him any chance we get!!!

On Giving Up.

*I am NOT writing this post for positive reinforcement or any "hang in there - you'll get a baby!" comments or emails. So, don't feel like you have to make me feel better.  Getting all of this out will is therapy enough*

Becoming a parent is pretty much the single most amazing thing in the world.  For that reason, I want to make it last as long as I can....I know - I'll always be Logan's mama.  But you know what I mean, I want to be a "mama" for as long as I can.  And I don't want to be a mommy because it fulfills some deep need to be needed.  I just LOVE being a mom.  It's like going on vacation....who wouldn't want to be on a permanent vacation?  Only parenting is more like work.  Hard work.  But the BEST work.

So, it makes sense that I would want more kids.  I want a lot of kids.  For as long as I can remember, I've wanted about six kids. Right after Logan was born was about the only time that I felt complete contentment in that regard as my proverbial parenting bucket was full.  Not too long after that, I start thinking about adding more to our family, giving Logan siblings, what a great big-brother he would be, etc.

In my opinion, thinking breeds discontentment.  At least for me it does. So, I think about all of the things that we're missing -- all the things Logan is missing by not having a sibling.  And the "if we have a baby now, Logan and the baby would be x years apart...."  Or "Certainly another year will not pass without us having a baby..." and then it does.  And suddenly, the idea of having another baby becomes more foreign than comforting.  Kinda like the "when we win the lottery" dream.  Only I don't play the lottery.

So, lately, I've been wanting to give up.  I've been wanting to not go any further with the "hassle" of renewing our homestudy yet again (almost four years of waiting for baby #2).  I find myself getting jealous of people who have more than one child (jealousy is not something I typically struggle with), and wondering what it is about our family that is preventing us from being picked by a birthmother.

Cue the "God is in control.  He has the perfect plan for your family!" and I just might throw up.  Don't get me wrong.  I know this to be true.  How could I deny the fact when I see how Logan was brought into our family?  But right now, I don't want to hear it. 'Kay?

And the only reason I really want to give up is because I think when I finally do give up is when it might actually happen and then we'll all sit around and tell the story about "when I stopped looking for love is when it found me!"  That's how it will be, right?

I'm not good at finishing anything.  I start a lot of different things and finish few.  So, to say, "This is done.  We are not waiting anymore."  Seems like something I am incapable of doing.

My husband just goes with whatever I want.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't want any more children.  Don't get me wrong - he'd be thrilled if we had more, but he's content.

 I feel very isolated and annoying right now.  I'm annoyed with myself for even having these feelings, let alone writing them. But I know that someday -- whether it's one, two, three or NO children more for our family -- this will be important for me remember.  It's a big part of my life right now.

Five.

To the Sweetest Boy I Know,

Today, I said to you, "I'm so happy that you're mine." And you replied, "I'm so happy that you're mine."  And that pretty much sums it up.  We belong to each other - the three of us.  Your daddy and I are so, so, so thankful that we get to be the ones that you call "mommy" and "daddy." 

I imagine it won't be long and you won't want to snuggle and you won't be calling us "mommy" and "daddy," and that's okay. It will hurt my heart a little, but I will take joy in remembering the blessing that it was to hold you from the time you were just a tiny baby....you have been mine since that moment we first saw you.  You have brought us more joy than I thought possible.  You are the sweetest little boy I have ever met.  I'm so glad that it was YOU that we were waiting for.  It all makes perfect sense now.

I simply cannot believe that you are five.  But we are SO proud of you and all that you are doing.  I know that God has amazing plans for you, and it is our joy to watch those plans unfold. 

Today is my favorite day of the year because we get to recall everything wonderful about you.  I could go on and on.  But just know this -- you are my heart.  That's what we say to each other to let the other know how much we love each other.  And "you are my heart," seems like the perfect way to tell you because it sums it up -- you mean the world to us.  You have taught us so much about life and love.  We love you more than words can say and every day, we love you more!!!

Thank you for being our little boy.  Thank you for making us a family.

And to Miss A - your birthmother - we remember her today (and every day) and we are so thankful to her and we love her so much!  We can never thank her enough for choosing life for you, and furthermore, for choosing us to be able to share your life.  What an amazing gift!!!!!

Disney Day 6 - Last Day

We spent our last day at Disney at the Magic Kingdom doing all of our favorite things.  They had extended morning hours, so we were there to watch the park open -- it's one of my favorite things to do there!

 Then, we headed right for the Buzz Lightyear ride.  There was no line, since it was 8 a.m., so we rode it and then got right back on it!

 We also rode the cars in Tomorrow Land.  Let's just say that Logan has a ways to go before he's going to be ready to drive!  It keeps you on the general course, but you have to press the gas and steer a little.  He hit his lip on the steering wheel.  I was glad when that ride was finally over!!

 Then Zeb and Logan did the teacups.

 We also rode Peter Pan and Under the Sea.  We had to stop at Gaston's for a cinnamon roll and another frozen apple juice.  We loved that apple juice so much!

 We went back to our hotel for Logan and Zeb to go to the pool while I did laundry.  We hate coming home with a lot of dirty clothes, so we like washing everything before we get home.

In the evening, we went back to the Magic Kingdom.  In Adventure Land, they have a new thing where you get a treasure map and search for a treasure.  They have clues all around Adventure Land and one clue takes you to the next, etc.  Logan LOVED this.  We did two hunts earlier in the week and promised him we would do one more before we left. 

Earlier in the week, he found a skull with a tiki on it.  He found this on his own and he just KNEW that it had to be a clue.  We were oblivious at the time.  But that evening, earlier in the week, when we left for our hotel, Logan kept talking about the "Tiki on the head."  And he wouldn't stop asking about it.  He would say, "Mom, what about the Tiki on the head.  I know it's there.  I'm telling the truth."  We had NO idea what he was talking about.  But he just kept saying it over and over and over (and OVER and OVER.)  We would try to ask him questions to figure out what he was talking about, but we could get no more information from him.  He wanted to know how that all fit in.  It got to the point that when he would bring it up, I would just laugh because that's what I do when I get frustrated/nervous, etc.  Poor guy.

So, Thursday, we did our last treasure hunt and the first clue led us to a tiki engraved on a skull.  He was hysterically happy.  He was SO excited.  And so were we.  It all made sense now.  So, we finished that treasure hunt, which was a little anti-climatic because when you get to the last clue, it just says, "Congratulations, you found the treasure!"  And for a little boy that's not very exciting. 

We ended our night with supper at the Polynesian hotel -- and we were so impressed we think we will stay there next year :)

It was terribly sad to leave on Friday morning.  We had such a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoyed the time at Disney, but most of all, spending time together as a family. 

Disney - Day 5

Today was the nicest weather-wise.  Unfortunately, we had reservations at Chef Mickey's at 10:55 a.m., so we planned to take the morning easy.  I had time to do my hair and makeup, which pretty much never happens...not even at home!  And we had time for pictures.

 So, we were very excited about eating breakfast at Chef Mickey's.  They were running behind, so we didn't get our table until 11:30, and that was a disappointment.  We felt like we wasted our entire morning. 

 But the food was yummy and Logan loved the character meet-and-greet.  Mom and Dad were just in a bad mood :)

After breakfast, we headed to Epcot.  We rode Test Track and the boys rode Soarin'.  We went to the United States building and watched the show there...it was good!  Logan fell asleep during it, but Zeb and I liked it.

We just spent the time hitting some places we wanted to revisit or go again.  We stopped at France for a crepe. 

After that, we headed back to the hotel for a little rest.  I fell asleep.  I don't think the boys did.  We had late dinner reservations at the Wilderness Lodge at Whispering Canyon.  It was a fun night!  A boat took us from our hotel to that hotel, so that was different.  We were checking out that hotel to see if it was someplace we might like to stay in the future.  The food was good and we ended up back at our hotel around 10.

I do feel like we didn't get a lot accomplished today, but our feet are SO sore from walking, it was probably good that we took it a little slower today.  Tomorrow is our last day, so you can bet we'll be running around from morning until night.   Zeb has this crazy idea that he wants to try to be the family to open up the park in the morning (apparently, you have to get there super early and be entertaining and then they pick one family to open up the park).  He and Logan are SET on doing it, and I'm just not that into it.  I feel like I'm on vacation with Clark Griswold.