On Giving Up.

*I am NOT writing this post for positive reinforcement or any "hang in there - you'll get a baby!" comments or emails. So, don't feel like you have to make me feel better.  Getting all of this out will is therapy enough*

Becoming a parent is pretty much the single most amazing thing in the world.  For that reason, I want to make it last as long as I can....I know - I'll always be Logan's mama.  But you know what I mean, I want to be a "mama" for as long as I can.  And I don't want to be a mommy because it fulfills some deep need to be needed.  I just LOVE being a mom.  It's like going on vacation....who wouldn't want to be on a permanent vacation?  Only parenting is more like work.  Hard work.  But the BEST work.

So, it makes sense that I would want more kids.  I want a lot of kids.  For as long as I can remember, I've wanted about six kids. Right after Logan was born was about the only time that I felt complete contentment in that regard as my proverbial parenting bucket was full.  Not too long after that, I start thinking about adding more to our family, giving Logan siblings, what a great big-brother he would be, etc.

In my opinion, thinking breeds discontentment.  At least for me it does. So, I think about all of the things that we're missing -- all the things Logan is missing by not having a sibling.  And the "if we have a baby now, Logan and the baby would be x years apart...."  Or "Certainly another year will not pass without us having a baby..." and then it does.  And suddenly, the idea of having another baby becomes more foreign than comforting.  Kinda like the "when we win the lottery" dream.  Only I don't play the lottery.

So, lately, I've been wanting to give up.  I've been wanting to not go any further with the "hassle" of renewing our homestudy yet again (almost four years of waiting for baby #2).  I find myself getting jealous of people who have more than one child (jealousy is not something I typically struggle with), and wondering what it is about our family that is preventing us from being picked by a birthmother.

Cue the "God is in control.  He has the perfect plan for your family!" and I just might throw up.  Don't get me wrong.  I know this to be true.  How could I deny the fact when I see how Logan was brought into our family?  But right now, I don't want to hear it. 'Kay?

And the only reason I really want to give up is because I think when I finally do give up is when it might actually happen and then we'll all sit around and tell the story about "when I stopped looking for love is when it found me!"  That's how it will be, right?

I'm not good at finishing anything.  I start a lot of different things and finish few.  So, to say, "This is done.  We are not waiting anymore."  Seems like something I am incapable of doing.

My husband just goes with whatever I want.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't want any more children.  Don't get me wrong - he'd be thrilled if we had more, but he's content.

 I feel very isolated and annoying right now.  I'm annoyed with myself for even having these feelings, let alone writing them. But I know that someday -- whether it's one, two, three or NO children more for our family -- this will be important for me remember.  It's a big part of my life right now.