Thoughts on Waiting -- 3 years

This is going to sound super dramatic to some and probably not dramatic enough for others, but I believe that it's important for me to document what is going through my mind at this point in the adoption process.

Three years.  Honestly, I never thought we'd see this day come.  Three years ago, we submitted our paperwork (completed) for our second adoption.  Logan was just over a year old at the time.  I hoped and prayed that we would have babies close together in age.  I was SO ready to have another little one running around the house.

Three years. Today, our life looks much different than I imagined it would.  We are thriving, and I am IN LOVE with our life.  Just as it is.  PERFECT.  The three of us are so incredibly close.  We adore each other and love spending time with each other -- there's no place else we'd rather be!  We have fears of how a new baby would change what we currently have.

Don't get me wrong,  if we got a call today, we'd be over-the-moon.  We WANT a call today.

But there's something about waiting -- and I don't expect ANYONE to understand this but those of you who are currently waiting -- that makes us just feel OVER IT.  It's exhausting.  It's exhausting to live in a current state of "what-ifs" and always "today could be the day!" and then it's not.  And disappointment ensues pretty much every moment that you don't get the call.  And three years is a long time to hope like that.  Three years is a long time to have your heart drop every time your phone rings or every time you walk in the door and the message light is blinking.

So, we change our mind about this a million times a day, but our current feeling is that if we don't have a baby by the time our current home studies expire, we will throw in the towel (the end of this summer).  We will move on with our life.  There is happy and sad in that sentence.  Happy because we are so incredibly blessed to be parents and we couldn't be more in love with our precious little boy.  Sad because we DO love being parents so much and would love to do it again and again (I always thought I'd have 4 - 6 kids!).  Sad because Logan will never have a sibling.  Happy because Logan will get all of our attention forever (lucky him, right?!).  

But the fact of the matter is, you have to move on at some point, right?  I hate living in a state of discontentment, and I feel if our name is on a waiting list, we will always be waiting and it's hard to find contentment when you are waiting for something else.

This is NOT an easy discussion to have.  While we trust that God has the best plan for us, we don't understand why His plan doesn't involve more children for us.  It's not for us to understand.  It's for us to accept.  So, that's what we will do.  If the time comes when we will wait no longer, we will know that we did our part and we opened our hearts and God's answer was "no."  And sometimes, "no," is an okay answer.  I think of all the other times God has said "no" to me and in retrospect, I thank Him for every single "no."  

This Girl is on Fire

A lot of our conversations on the way home have to do with songs we hear on the radio (because I sing at the top of my lungs).  See if you can guess what songs we were listening to today:

Logan:  Mom, what did they just say?

Me:  You don't know you're beautiful

Logan:  Yuck.  Beautiful?!  Ugh.  Why did they say that?

Logan:  Mom, what did they just say?

Me:  This girl is on fire!

Logan:  Like real fire? 

Me:  No, they mean she's awesome.

Logan:  If you were on real fire, that would hurt really bad.  That would be so sad.

I love our conversations.

Remember

Logan:  Guess how much I love you?

Me:  How much?

Logan:  Mucher than the whole high world.

Logan:  You are the cutest mama in all the flowers.

Me:  Awe, thank you so much!  That makes my heart so happy.

Logan:  You are the cutest mama in all the zoo.

Ummm....thanks?

Logan:  (patting me on the arm) I know you are the best mama in the whole world.  And you're the best daddy, Zeb.  (He calls him Zeb every once in a while at random times!)

Seriously.  How did we ever get so blessed to meet this little boy?  God was most certainly in this.  

Christmas

We did celebrate Christmas, so I figured that I'd better post about it before it's a distant memory!

  Logan woke up Christmas morning and ran out into the living room before I could see the expression on his face.  But when I walked into the room, his mouth was wide open.  It was the BEST Christmas ever.  Not just because of the gifts (but he was SO into the fact that Santa brought his gifts), but because it's just the best to see such joy!!

 I was overwhelmed with guilt about lying to him about Santa, so a couple days later, I told him that Santa wasn't real and he just stared at me.  And then he said, "Just leave me alone, mom." 

 He asked Santa for two things -- a Jake and the Neverland Pirate sword and a stuffed Captain Hook.  A day or two before Christmas, he told me that he needed to write Santa another later, so he dictated it to me and asked for some different things.  I told him that Santa wrote him back and said, "You already asked for a sword and a Captain Hook, so ask for those things next year."  Interestingly enough, Santa's "reply" came immediately after I finished writing the letter to Santa, but Logan didn't question it.  He was satisfied with the reply.

 The slinky was in his stocking.  Out of all the things that he got that he didn't ask for, he kept saying, "But I didn't ask for that slinky thing."  He loved it.  I say "loved" in the past tense, because it's already in the trash.  It was twisted and out of shape within a couple days.  Thankfully, it was only $1 at Target!

We are so blessed by having this little boy!  He was the best part of Christmas.  Zeb and I didn't even exchange gifts -- we were just thrilled to see Christmas through Logan's eyes!

Snow Day!

Yesterday, my work closed early due to a snow storm we were getting.  It was pretty much a miracle that they closed.  I was so excited to be able to pick Logan up early.  What a rare treat!

 Of course, he asked if he could play in the snow.  And everything in me wanted to say no and stay inside our nice, warm house.  But I'm so glad that I said yes.  I will never regret saying "yes" to playing in the snow with my four year old little boy.

 We didn't stay out very long -- it was cold, after all!  But we had so much fun.  He was all worried about how to make a snow man and how to make round snowballs.

Here he is throwing a snowball at me!

He couldn't get enough of the snow falling on his tongue, so that's why he's sticking out his tongue in a lot of the pictures!

He had just eaten a blue candy cane before we went outside!

We were out in the snow before Charlie was, so don't worry, it wasn't yellow :)

When I was dressing him to go outside, he was very concerned about what he was wearing.  As soon as we got home, he said, "I don't have any boots."  But he does have boots, so that was exciting for him.  And then, he was asking about the snow pants -- "What are these?"  And then he was confused as to why he had to wear a coat when he already had snow pants on.  It was so cute.  But it just reminds me that he is still little.  There is still so much he hasn't done.  Something like getting ready to play in the snow is a whole new adventure in itself (even though he's played in the snow before, he doesn't remember).

As soon as we came inside, he said, "Can I have some hot chocolate?"  So, I made him a little, but he didn't drink it.  He must have seen it on one of his shows and just wanted to try it!

Santa

When Logan was a baby, we were most certainly not going to "do" Santa Claus.  My, how things have changed!!  Last year, if you recall, we saw Santa at the Polar Express, but that was pretty much the extent of it.  This year, Logan is ALL about Santa.  And I just can't tell him.  Well, actually, I DID tell him that Santa wasn't real and he said, "Yes, he is!"  So then, I just said to Zeb, "We'll try again next year."  So, we took Logan to meet Santa.

 He had his letter all written, "Dear Santa, I want a stuffed Captain Hook and a Jake and the Neverland Pirates sword.  I promise I'll get green cards.  That's all." 

Zeb found something online where Santa can call, so he's been calling every night for about the past week.  Logan's reaction is always the same, he's utterly amazed.  He's also terrified of Santa cancelling his toys that any time he's not listening, we just need to remind him that we know Santa and we will call him and then Logan straightens up.  This morning, Zeb got his phone out, ready to call Santa and Logan was in hysterics.  As he was crying while hugging me, I honestly couldn't help but laugh.  And then I said to Zeb, "So, what are we going to do on December 26?"

 I have never been so excited for a Christmas morning.  It's not that Logan's getting anything amazing for Christmas, but I just can't wait to see his face when he sees the presents under the tree tomorrow morning. 

 Logan, when you read this someday, I'm sorry that I lied to you about Santa.  He's not real.  It was actually your dad and me who bought all the presents and put them under the tree.  Please forgive me.  I hope you are not too scarred.

Merry Christmas, Sweet Boy.  You are our joy!

Red Card/Green Card

So, the space problem has been upgraded, and wouldn't you know, my camera card isn't working properly, so it's just been one thing after another.  But I feel like memories are slipping through our lives, not being recorded and that breaks my heart.  Something adorable will happen and I will think, "I need to remember that," and then I forget.  *tears*

Logan's school/daycare gives a daily report that rates his behavior for the day.  Red = bad; yellow = some bad/some good; green = good.  We see a lot of red cards around here.  It seems to go in spurts.  He will just get a bad attitude or something and he'll go on a spree where he says bad words, hits his friends, etc. 

When Logan gets a red card, it's serious business.  We want to teach him that he needs to learn to control his emotions and his behavior and while I know that's hard for a four year old, he's learning. 

His punishment is usually followed by making him sit quietly in his room, reading books.  One day when he got a red card, this was the conversation on the way home:

Logan:  Whew.  This sure is a long ride home.
Me: Yes, it is. 
Logan:  I think when I get home I'm just going to go right to my room and read books.

(I just laugh because he thinks that's going to get him out of his punishment)

Another day:

Logan:  Mom, what are you singing about?
Me:  (as I listen to my Taylor Swift CD....what else would it be about??) LOVE
Logan:  Is that like getting a red card?

Same day:

Logan:  Mom, I really want to get a green card, I just don't know how.

Obviously, it's on his mind.  He's a generally sweet boy who just needs to mature a little bit.  Don't get me wrong, he's four, so I know that maturity isn't something that's going to come any time soon.  But I love watching his little mind process things and learn and grow. 

And in case you're wondering, it's been nothing but green cards this week.